Q and A: for fans of Dorac and the Guardian Weekend magazine (Apologies to anyone else)

The story of “We Do Not Kill Children” runs basically from 26^th September to 15^th November, but reaches its climax on Hallowe’en. Organising the dates was a complicated business when writing it, and so I always think of October as Dorac’s month. The following therefore is a Dorac-related piece of fun, containing a few spoilers.

Regular readers of the Guardian’s Weekend magazine (now Saturday) will be familiar with the column where a famous person is asked a familiar set of questions, put together by one Rosanna Greenstreet, whose consent I fear I’ve not asked.  I’ve sometimes pondered how Dorac would answer, if modern media had extended its reach to Marod in the 6^th century AL, and he was interviewed.

We begin with the customary intro –

Dorac Kingsbrother, 42, was born in the north of the Kingdom of Marod. He left home at the age of 15 to become a soldier, and 27 years later was made one of the prestigious King’s Thirty siblinghood of warrior judges. He was convicted of the murder of three children and sentenced to exile, but further investigation of his case led to the disclosure of the Aspella conspiracy against the crown, and also the establishment of the first Court of Criminal Appeal on the continent of Ragaris. Six weeks following his conviction, he was fully exonerated and returned to his duties. He is unmarried and lives in Stonehill. (Some of the following questions had to be explained to him.)

What would your superpower be? The ability to know when people were lying would be useful in my work. Also the ability to start and put out fires at will.

What do you most dislike about your appearance? You should ask those who have to look at me. I rarely do this.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? Arrogance.

What is the trait you most deplore in others? Disloyalty.

Who would play you in the film of your life? I cannot imagine why anyone would want to make such a thing.

What is your most unappealing habit? I am fond of describing journeys in detail. My friends tell me this is very boring.

How often do you have sex? That is not your concern.

To whom would you most like to say sorry, and why? To Lord Gahran of Ferrodach, for making a promise I was unable to keep.

What does love feel like? Like sharing in the joy of God.

If you could edit your past, what would you change? I would not walk into a room to talk to children carrying a drawn sword.

What is your greatest fear? Members of the King’s Thirty are not allowed to feel fear.

What did you want to be when you were growing up? Away from where I was.

Have you ever said “I love you” and not meant it? No.

What is your most treasured possession? I have two: my sword and a small piece of parchment. Both were gifts.

What was the best kiss of your life? That is not your concern.

What words or phrases do you most overuse? “That is not your concern.”

What do you owe your parents? That I was born, and legitimate.

What is your favourite smell? The smell of the person you love. Cooking meat is also good.

Aside from a property, what’s the most expensive thing you’ve ever bought? Probably the horse before last.

Tell us a joke.  What is a joke?

Tell us a secret. No.

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